I love writing. It’s very challenging. It gives me autonomy in the sense that I write on my platform about the topics that interest me. It has income potential, but that’s a long shot and a long road if it ever comes to fruition. The beauty in acknowledging the rare and fleeting income potential of this endeavor is the fact that I know that I pursue it purely for what it is: a skill to master and a way to convey helpful ideas to others. The reality of the pursuit requires that I not allow myself to be distracted by other activities that could produce more money. I need to focus my energy into getting better at my craft. Of course, I hope that one day a sustainable income follows that pursuit. We shall see.
Several activities in my life can currently be summed up in the same way. I recently joined a local Toastmasters group here in Little Rock, AR, so that I could begin to sharpen up and elevate my public speaking skills. I continue to train Jiu Jitsu regularly in pursuit of being the best Martial Artist I can possibly be. I continue to work diligently at my own strength and conditioning program in order to be the best athlete I can be. The benefits of these pursuits are not immediately tangible but they are incredibly rewarding. Daily, I have to remind myself that the simple job that I do as a security guard allows me to pursue excellence in these other parts of my life. This is very much a worthy and meaningful journey for me.
This reminds me of a plumber that came to my family’s house when I was 11-12 years old. This guy looked like he was an NFL running back. He most definitely worked out on a regular basis and he seemed almost out of place as a plumber. He came across as professional and knowledgeable in his craft. As a little timid overweight kid, looking for models of fitness at the time, it was like meeting a real life superhero. The interesting thing to look back at when I review my life, is that though I pursued Engineering and Corporate America so hard, I can’t ever recall looking at people hustling and bustling downtown in business casual attire and thinking, “I want to be like them.” But this guy. This man who had a trade and clearly had a habit of staying physically fit. I’ve never forgotten him and I definitely wanted to be like him when I was a kid.
I’ve never met an Engineer I wanted to emulate. I never met a person who worked in Corporate America or was a doctor or lawyer or some other commonly socially prestigious career, who’s career and life I envied. I’ve listened to so many podcasts with Tech Entrepreneurs who began their careers as entry-level engineers like me and while I admire what they built as business people, there’s nothing that resonates with me about their lives. Yet, with all that, I still find myself regularly questioning my current station in life and wondering if I should be pursuing a more traditional career. Every time I think I’ve beaten this thinking, it creeps up again. Everytime I get to a place of accepting that I am a security guard for the paycheck and the ease, and this allows me the space to pour energy into what are truly my passions, I find myself looking over the fence at what I think at the moment is greener grass. Why?
I think it boils down to fear manifesting itself in 3 ways to keep me from acknowledging the truth: Lies, Masking, and Distraction.
Lies – Fear Tells Us We Have to Become The People We’re Surrounded By
When I was in the Army I often thought, “This could be a really fun job but certain people in authority make it horrible.”
My current job as a Security Guard is no doubt the easiest job I have ever had. It’s also the best paying job I’ve had since leaving the Military. This means that the job draws in some old timers. Some old guys who don’t want to do anything and can sometimes complain about things that unequivocally, do not matter. It’s not everyone, just 1 or 2 people really. My tendency has been to tunnel vision on those particularly crotchety individuals and in those moments I have a little panic attack where I think, “I don’t want to be them!!! I gotta get the hell outta here!!!” This turns into ‘I gotta get outta here and stop wasting my life’. I see a coworker who is not what I want to be and I associate the job with turning me into them. There are problems with this logic.
First off, ironically, I used to walk around the office at my first and only real Engineering Job and I would see people working away at their computers in their offices and I would say to myself, “I don’t want to become them!!!” This was also in a mild panic because I was having regular anxiety attacks back then. The moral of the story is simple. In every environment we find ourselves in, there are likely to be individuals with whom we don’t resonate for some reason or another. The fact that we associate those people with the environment is in no way indicative of the fact that the environment makes people that way. I have met several jerks while working out at martial arts and crossfit gyms and somehow those endeavors never made me a jerk. You and I have to decide everyday who we are going to become regardless of the environments we find ourselves in.
Yes, our incomes being tied to a particular place can make it feel like there is no escape. However, we all have family and friends who have certain behaviors that we don’t admire and don’t want to embody. If we cut ties with every person who did things we didn’t like, we’d have to disown our own children. Albeit transactional, work is a relationship commitment in many ways. Furthermore, the only thing that I can control in any relationship is myself. Unlike the military, rank doesn’t dominate my life in the civilian world. If someone is being a jerk at work, I call them out (probably a little too aggressively at times). A jerk might be doing the same job I do at the same company, it doesn’t change the fact that the job and the company are a good fit for me. Being a security guard lets me chase down the things that are actually meaningful to me and allow me to become the person I want to be. It’s my job to keep my focus on that reality and not let fear lie to me and blind me from the truth.
Masking – Fear Can Keep The Answer to Our Problems Hidden In Plain Sight
I’ll be 42 years old soon. In recent job searches I’ve looked into positions with the local Fire Department, Secret Service, Federal Air Marshals, and The FBI. You want to know what is common about all of these jobs? By the time you finish your initial training you can be no older than 36-37 years old. I am a former Green Beret and I fought in my first MMA fight at 39 years old. I train Martial Arts regularly with guys almost half my age and I’m more athletic today than I’ve ever been. Yet, I’m too old for these jobs.
I’ve also looked into being an Electrical Apprentice. Here in Arkansas it’s a 5 year program. I would take a significant pay cut initially and I would end up doing a lot more driving than I currently do for work. The pay cut wouldn’t bother me as much if I didn’t have to drive a lot more than I do now. None of it would bother me if I was 18 years old or in my early 20’s. But in my early 40’s, I’m set in my ways with certain aspects of life. If I could walk or bike to work everyday, I’d be happy to take a pay cut to learn how to do electrical work (I’m still trying to sort this out, by the way).
I’ve mentioned before that I have looked into tech jobs as there are many low cost certification courses and tons of free information online that will teach you programming and cyber security. But I’m going to be miserable if I have to be at a computer doing anything but writing about personal responsibility. Even my maximum time writing tops out at about 2 hours in a day.
What I fear about being a security guard is the reality that we are just bodies in a place to be a deterrent. We aren’t learning any new skills. Pay raises are dictated by people with whom we do not interact. Moving up in leadership means taking on a desk job and scrambling to ensure the schedule is fully manned (not interested). I fear becoming obsolete in the workforce. I suspect there will always be a need for physical security guards but I have ascended as high as I’m interested in ascending in this job field.
But, fear is masking reality here and hiding the truth.
I work with several people in their 70’s and 80’s. They don’t have to work but they do because it gets them out of the house. It dawns on me regularly that even when we have all the money in the world, we still need something to do to occupy our time. Furthermore, this is proof that if I continue to take care of my body, this is a job I can easily do full time for another 25-30 years, because it’s easy. No, I don’t make lots of money, but I can make enough money for a long time to be financially secure.
The other reality goes back to why I started working security in the first place: It’s an easy reliable income that works while I try to become my own boss. I suspect that I will be trying and failing at this task until I am at least 70 years old (hopefully I figure it out before then).
I was 30 years old when I left the Army. I was a highly trained Special Forces Medic in the Army. I would have been a great candidate for a firefighter or police officer. In Washington where I lived at the time, both of these jobs pay exceptionally well and my current age doesn’t disqualify me from either roll up there. So why didn’t I apply for either role while I lived in Washington? In military and paramilitary culture there’s something called ‘new-guy games’. When I was a new Green Beret on my first team and when I was a new recruit in the military, certain individuals felt as though their higher rank and longer time in service gave them the right to talk to and treat me in any kind of way. As a result, at least once a year I came close to some sort of disciplinary action being levied upon me for verbal insubordination. That was in my late 20’s. Now, I’m in my early 40’s. With all the intense and difficult experiences I’ve had in my life and come out on the other side stronger because of good fortune and my mindset, I’m not letting anyone disrespect me because it’s normal in that culture. My understanding is that this type of culture is also prevalent in the trades as well. Again, I could suck it up in my 20’s and I did in the military. But if I subjected myself to that environment now in my early 40’s, there’s a high risk of physical altercation. Yes, there’s humility but there’s also knowing yourself and what your tolerance level is. I have zero tolerance for ‘new-guy games’.
I want to be my own boss. Being a security guard stabilizes my income while working to solve that problem.
My irrational fears of becoming obsolete sometimes mask the reality of why I got into security work in the first place. Again, it’s my job to stay focused on the person I want to become and recognize I’m in a job that lets me do that.
Distraction – Fear Can Convince Us We Don’t Have the Tools To Solve The Problem
Something I’ve been into for quite some time now is the idea of Financial Independence (FI). FI is about having enough money invested in the stock market through low cost broad-based index funds, that the interest from your investments throw off enough money to fund your lifestyle. Hence, you reach a point where you don’t have to work for money and you can devote your time how you please.
Often I read stories of people with significant incomes who are able to reach this goal in their 30’s and 40’s through aggressive savings. These same people often worked in the tech space as software developers/engineers. This is what first made me curious about looking into tech. I did some programming as an engineer in college so I knew I could learn the skill if need be. But like I said, my days of being glued to a computer screen are long behind me. However, the salary I make as a security guard certainly doesn’t put me on the path to FI any time soon and this reality often causes my mind to wander into thinking about trying tech again or finding some other high paying job.
Then I remember that I do have a skill that can net large financial rewards if I really put my all into it: speaking. When I was motivational speaking in Tacoma, WA I knew I was good at what I did and I knew I had a great story because people who heard me speak told me so often. But I got burned out. Since moving to Arkansas I’ve tried to get started again several times and each time I gas out immediately. I think I’ve figured out what the problem is.
Something that I was not ready for when I started motivational speaking was just how cynical and negative some people are. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘Familiarity Breeds Contempt’? Unfortunately, there were individuals whom I called close friends at the time, who began to subtly give off a measure of disdain for what I was doing. I would regularly feel like my efforts in encouraging others were being looked down upon and dismissed by people I would have formerly called my brothers and sisters. What grinded on me even more was the fact that the people who I’m referencing specifically in this case, never even came to see me give a speech live. How can people be so dismissive of something they’ve never even heard or seen?
Needless to say, those relationships fell apart. I pressed on and as I got better and received more local notoriety, I started to be able to command a fee for my services. There were two instances where I was dealing with organizations and a female representative of those organizations asked me what my fee was for speaking. I gave them my fee and in response, both of these women responded by telling me that I had no business charging that much and they both compared me to other female speakers who they felt were much more important and more popular than I was but didn’t charge as much. (Again, these women are comparing me to others and haven’t seen or heard me live)
Here’s why these details matter:
- I had been working with another professional speaker who was helping other up and coming speakers build their businesses. One of the hardest things for me was establishing a fee. How do you know what’s the right amount? After consulting with my coach I was given an amount that he thought was fair given my experience and abilities. That’s the amount I gave these women. They talked to me like I was a street hustler trying to steal from them. Had they just told me that they didn’t have the money in their budget, I would have still done the events. If I never charge for what I do, people never associate it with value. And, I have no idea of what any organization has for a budget. Saying that you can’t meet my initial quote is very different from disparaging me because I ask to be paid for my efforts.
- When I moved to Arkansas during the pandemic, all my speaking engagements had been canceled. I decided to write a book during this time. When I wrote the book I realized that early in my life the two biggest sources of stress and trauma were my mother and my older sister (women). Recently, in reflecting on the book I’ve realized that I have struggled with women who are verbally aggressive towards me for my entire life. It’s a trigger for me and that trigger is connected to how my mother and sister treated me when I was little.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, these women in these organizations were stepping on that trigger. I let it beat me down and I believed what they were saying because I didn’t recognize the pattern from childhood that was playing out. I’m also hesitant to admit it to myself because there’s a part of me that feels like I shouldn’t be struggling with these things anymore. That hesitance has only distracted me from getting to the root of the issues I’ve had with starting to pursue speaking again.
In being a motivational speaker I have a skill that is not only rare, but most people have a fear of public speaking. Speaking comes naturally to me, I have a great story, I have a book with practical advice, and I have the work ethic to polish the craft. I’ve met a couple of speakers who are paid $10,000-$20,000 everytime they speak to an audience. I clearly have a skill that allows me to be my own boss, reach financial independence, and help people in the process. I’ve let some negative experiences distract me from that. Again, focus.
As I mentioned earlier, I’ve started that process by joining a local Toastmasters Group. Toastmasters Clubs exist to help people work on their public speaking skills. People from all walks of life and all over the globe join local groups to sharpen their communication skills. When I first started speaking in Tacoma, WA back in 2015, Toastmasters is where I started and now I’ve joined a club here in Little Rock, Arkansas. I gave my first speech to the club this past Monday. It was the first time I’ve given a speech to a live audience in 4 years. It felt great. I feel like my skills are somehow sharper now than they were 4 years ago, even though I’ve been inactive.
I have to focus on getting better at a rare skill that can pay huge dividends in the long run, rather than being distracted by the potential to make more money in the short term. I’ve got enough money. I want my freedom.
Why do I share my Struggles?
I’m considering seeking counseling for the first time in my life. I’m not sad or depressed. I’m realizing there are some things going on in my unconscious mind that I’m not aware of. I suspect those things relate to physical and sexual abuse by my sister. Also, verbal abuse from my mother when I was little. What’s difficult for me today is being a tough guy. I’m a former Green Beret and Combat Veteran. I’ve fought an Amature MMA fight and I train in martial arts regularly. Physically, I’m so far removed from who I was when I was a little fragile child and it makes it hard for me to empathize with the mental and emotional challenges that originate from that time in my life. I still have trouble seeing myself as a victim of abuse because my abusers were women. In my mind there’s this notion that, ‘Surely a big strong tough guy like me can’t be threatened by women?! That’s preposterous!’ Again, this prevents me from dealing with the issue.
Obviously I’ve struggled with quite a few things in my life and I share those struggles in hopes that maybe by seeing how I’m working my way forward, maybe you see a way forward for yourself in various parts of your own life. In this situation, it seems like the challenges of my childhood have caused me to sputter in pursuing something that truly makes me happy in helping others. I’m willing to bet that’s a common struggle for many people, the struggles of our personal history creating bottlenecks in how we express our truest selves today.
The Fear That Holds Us Back
In this situation, fear has:
- Lied to me about who I am likely to become
- Masked my true feelings about work
- Distracted me from engaging with the most viable to solution to my problems at work
Fear is not a bad thing when it’s reasonable. However, fear is not reasonable in this situation. This fear is also not a bad thing.
For instance, when I was getting ready to walk out and fight in an Amaeture MMA fight, I was scared. That’s reasonable. I parachuted from planes 20 times in the Army and I got in one major gun fight while deployed to Afghanistan. I felt fear in those situations and it was reasonable. Feeling fear in high stakes situations is a good thing in my opinion. The fear in these situations prompted me to focus harder on my training and preparation, before and during these events. Reasonable fear can create a useful urgency.
But in the 3 examples I’ve laid out in this article, the fear is unreasonable and it’s hiding the truth that I need to focus on. This means there’s a flaw in my story. Remember, in my book I define stories as facts tied together through assumptions. I also outline how our stories contain our beliefs and our beliefs drive our actions, even when those beliefs are flawed. My unreasonable fears in this case are exposing where my stories about life are flawed. Some of those flawed beliefs come from old cultural narratives about a worthy career. Some of those flawed beliefs come from childhood trauma that I need to work through more rigorously. These flawed beliefs have been tempting me to take action in a direction that doesn’t even go where I want to go. So I’m challenging myself to take ownership of my thoughts more aggressively and take ownership of my actions and push hard to get back out there and start speaking.
I’ve let fear hold me back long enough.
The older I get, the more I’m realizing that much of the power to change our behavior resides in the ability to notice ourselves and our thought patterns. It seems like if we can notice the belief that drives our actions and be able to put words to the belief, we can more easily evaluate it and update it. Changing faulty beliefs feels like 99% of the work (for me anyway).
What fears in your life do you need to dig into deeper? Would it help to sit and write in order to give concrete words to those fears?
Thank You For Reading! This was a long one but I hope it is helpful to someone!
Please consider sharing with at least one other person who needs it!
Travis Daigle 