When I was young my mother didn’t allow me to debate her about anything. She was a very domineering figure. It was her way or no way. My older sister could be the same way at times. They both loved me but all families have trouble communicating and they both had traumas that went unspoken for many years. The big problem this created for me as I got older, was a struggle knowing how to advocate for myself in various situations. At 41 years old, I’ve gotten better but it’s still a struggle from time to time.
This challenge has been important to me relative to sharing my story and advocating that people pursue active self improvement in their lives. Oftentimes I run into cynicism. People misinterpret my message as looking at life unrealistically or through rose-colored glasses. This couldn’t be further from the truth. However, I think people often have their mind made up on what I’m about, before ever letting me explain my story. I’ve often spent time asking myself why this happens. My best guess is that it’s easier to default to pessimism and a negative outlook on life, rather than try to take challenging circumstances and consciously see how those difficulties have the potential to transform us in a positive way.
Rather than accept the challenge of self improvement, we would rather dismiss it as whimsy or delusion. We’d rather tear down the philosophy that challenges us to build ourselves up. That’s my opinion. This reminds me of a quote I once heard. I can’t remember who said it but it goes, “It’s easier to tear down than it is to build up.”
What I know to be a fact is that often in these scenarios I don’t put in a sincere effort to challenge people’s mindset. I’ve realized that it’s easier for me to simply dismiss people as irredeemable or worse, just end contact with that individual all together. I’d rather tear down the relationship than do the work on myself to communicate my thoughts and opinions, effectively. It’s easier, but lately I’ve been asking myself what the underlying beliefs are that drive that behavior? I’ve landed on 3 things: The Desire to Be Right, Avoidance of Conflict, and A Lack of Faith in People.
The Desire to Be Right
I hate being wrong. I like winning arguments. But I know the truth is more important than winning. I know that part of the reason I don’t want to engage is because I don’t want to lose a debate. I think the best way for me to frame this challenge is by recognizing that every debate is a chance to improve my communication skills and my critical thinking. Finding flaws in my own philosophy will only strengthen it, in the long term. These are good things that I can experience if I get my ego out of the way and engage.
Avoiding Conflict
I’m not naturally an argumentative person. Conflict can be exhausting for me. Especially when I’m trying to hold back intense emotion while also trying to clearly communicate my position. Also, conflict always brings up those same emotions I felt when I was a kid dealing with my mother and older sister. I always use the phrase ‘walking on eggshells’ when I describe how I felt at home and at school, as a kid. I was always trying not to upset someone. It’s still a feeling that pops up in me when I’m in a disagreement with someone. I have to arrest that anxious energy while also not using anger to override it. Angry outbursts were something I struggled with in college whenever a social interaction triggered one of many difficult memories from childhood. Anger is useful in pushing past the anxiety but it certainly didn’t help forge relationships.
I hate that feeling of walking on eggshells around other people and the only way to stop it from coming up is to confront it when I feel it. This means I need to consciously engage when I feel in disagreement with someone else’s perspective on an issue we may be debating. This while also being acutely aware of my emotional state and actively maintaining calm. Again, these are opportunities to make myself better and hone my philosophy.
A Lack of Faith in People
Sometimes I feel like no matter how much I communicate strategies and mindset, people will never change. Sometimes I feel like what I do with encouraging people to put serious effort into their own self-improvement, is utterly futile. But what does that mean for me? Clearly I improved myself when I lost weight as a kid. I’m improving in my ability to communicate, as evidenced by the fact that I am aware of the poor patterns I can fall into. I’m able to change and I’m a human being like you. If people couldn’t change, this whole endeavor would mean nothing.
As difficult as it is sometimes, I have hope that people can evolve. The challenge for me is to maintain that hope and continue to be aggressive about finding different ways to say the same things over and over again until someone gets it. Recently my motto has become ‘one person at a time’. I just need to impact one more person. When I impact one more person, I need to get about the business of trying to positively impact one more person. I don’t see a future where I regret having spent time encouraging people to be a better version of themselves. The difficulty and resistance breed patience and resilience. Again, good things.
Words of Encouragement
It’s infuriating when someone accuses me of having rose-colored glasses about life or being aloof to the fact that hard things happen to people. I experienced sexual and physical abuse growing up. I got bullied and teased for years in school. I’ve gone through financial chaos. I’ve been in a gun fight… I could go on. I’ve definitely been through my fair share of difficulties in life. We all have. When people are dismissive of my optimism I have to remember that my own philosophy says that people will work hard to avoid change because change is the hardest thing we do in life.
But what happens when we work hard to engage the changes needed to become the person we want to be?
What happens when we stop blaming anyone but ourselves and we start shouldering total responsibility for our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing?
What happens when we decide that we will be people who always aim to build rather than going the easy route of criticism, pessimism, and tearing down anything that challenges us to build up?
I’m certain of the outcome: We become better. I believe that.
You might be that person in your family, friend group, and among coworkers that’s challenging the status quo and receiving heavy push back for it. Expect that resistance and, at least for some period of time, be willing to thoughtfully and empathically engage with the disagreements and try your best to disarm the cynicism. It may not work, but at least you became a better communicator and at least you tried. If a relationship falls apart, it’s worth looking back and knowing that you tried to build.
Travis Daigle 