My confidence was almost non-existent when I was a teenager. Whenever surrounded by a group of my peers in an impassioned debate, I rarely ever chimed in with my thoughts or opinions. On the rare occasions where I did I was met with comments like:
‘You’ve got book sense but you don’t have any common sense!’
‘You’re slow aren’t you?’
And the worst,
‘Shut Yo Dumb Ass Up!’
During that time it was hard to think that something wasn’t wrong with my brain. I often second guessed myself in the simplest of things. When I was being bullied in school, I had no way to deal with it and for all of my K-12 years I was too scared to confront it head on. This meant that I always walked around with a level of anxiety and almost always unsure of myself. Of course, that came through in my communication.
I spend a lot of time thinking about the fact that my unsteadiness in situations as a teenager had zero to do with a lack of knowledge and everything to do with a lack of confidence. The power of a good con-artist is the fact that they can confidently sell you a lie. My peers had strong opinions and so did I, they just communicated them with more certainty.
As adults, I find that the bully takes on a new form which can be stated as social norms or a common cultural narrative or a story:
‘Everybody knows you gotta go to college to be successful…’
‘Everybody knows buying a house is the best way to build wealth…’
‘Everybody knows your health goes downhill at age 40…’
People feel pressure to conform with social convention even when it doesn’t feel right.
I’ve found that when I speak up to challenge these types of ideas, for some adults, it is incredibly disorienting and almost offensive. I would liken it to someone walking up to a person who is a Fundamentalist Christian and challenging the existence of God. They just don’t want to hear it.
I suspect the reason why some people find my contrarian nature so challenging is the fact that if my challenges are valid then that means they have to scrutinize their own beliefs and maybe even admit fault in some cases. Ignorance is easier because it means we don’t have to change anything about ourselves.
I’m realizing that I have to take a more indirect approach with people or they’re simply going to shut down. I don’t have the confidence problem any more because I know I’m well read and a good communicator. I’m also not afraid to be wrong. Adults, unlike kids, are more entrenched in the social narrative even though it leads many of us to lives of quiet desperation as Henry David Thoreau once wrote.
This is going to take some serious work on my part to communicate empathetically but honestly… and resist the urge to tell people to Shut Their Dumb Ass Up! LOL!
Travis Daigle 