Working on Self Awareness when Eating

“He eats clean, like all the time!”

I heard this on a fitness podcast I was listening to.  The guest was an athlete describing her husband’s eating behavior.  At the time I was listening, it was a few days before Christmas and it seemed like there were treats everywhere I went.  There were even these random bags of cookies my wife left in the car by accident.  I found them.  I ate them.  Dammit!

Sugar is a vice for me.  When I hear about people who can completely avoid eating sugar or who simply don’t care for sugary foods, I’m so envious.  I always find it fascinating that there are people who can live without indulging in desserts or sweets.  Especially since sweets are such a weakness for me.  I want to be like that one day.  I want to be able to walk up to a tray of homemade fresh-out-of-the-oven peanut butter cookies and walk away without having any, knowing that they taste delicious.  Better yet, I’d like to be able to know that I can have the whole tray if I want but choose to eat only one!  Something like that would be a tremendous victory for me.

I’ve certainly got nothing against tasty food and I don’t think we should all give up sweets.  For me this battle is more about the circumstances under which my eating habits developed rather than the particular food I’m eating.  Growing up, I learned to deal with chronic stress by eating.  As I have gotten older, I recognize that I now use any excuse as a reason to overindulge in calorically dense food.  If I’m sad, I eat.  If I’m stressed, I eat.  If I’m bored, I eat.  If I’m happy, I eat.  Being abused at home and bullied at school fostered these habits as a kid.  While I’ve certainly gotten better over the years in how I deal with food, I am still prone to this problem.  I want to master food because it mastered me.  I want to master food because negative experiences skewed my relationship to food and I want to repair that relationship.  

I suppose I have to ask myself, “What do I want my relationship with food to be?”  To begin answering that question I’m going to repeat some things that I don’t want it to be:  

1. I don’t want to use food to dull or enhance any emotional state.  
2. I don’t want food to be a reward for something.  Remember, these aren’t recommendations for everyone.  If you want to reward yourself with some pizza for eating clean all week, go for it.  It’s not a good strategy for me.

Okay, so what do I want my relationship to food to look like?

1. I want food to fuel my body in such a way that I think and perform physically, to the highest of my ability.
2. When available and reasonable, I want food to be communal.  I would also like to show friends and family that eating healthy can be simple, cost effective, and delicious.   

For years I have tried to think of food as a means of fueling my performance.  However, the other 3 points that I mention above are things that I’m stating more explicitly for the first time.  I’m hoping that having them in mind will help me begin to accelerate towards a healthier relationship with food.  Also, I’m hoping that when I do eat, these ideas prompt some questions that lead to more self awareness:  Am I eating to avoid/enhance emotion?  Am I eating to reward myself?  Am I eating to fuel myself?  Is this meal communal and am I setting the example I want to set in this situation?

Again, this is not about judging the behavior of others but it’s about giving you some insight into how my brain works on self improvement.  In this case, working to improve eating habits that were drastically influenced by childhood stress and trauma.    

How are you handling your vices?  Did this post give you any ideas?

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