We Are Not Prisoners To Our Past

For the first time in my life I’m going to see a counselor to discuss the physically and sexually abusive relationship I had with my older sister when I was younger.  Over the past 10 years I’ve had people recommend I see a counselor but I never felt the need to follow through on that advice.  Not that you must have ‘need’ in order to see a counselor but as I’ve said before, I’ve been able to overcome so much of my past on my own.  I was just continuing on that road.  That’s self improvement.  A constant process of getting better.  But sometimes we need help.

Remember, I was a single man for a really long time before I got married.  14 years to be exact.  I dated here and there but nothing substantial ever materialized in that time period.  I’ve been married almost 2 years now and we’ve been living together for 3 years.  There are things my wife observes in my behavior and beliefs that are being reflected back to me. Things I’ve never seen before.  For instance my wife has been telling me for several years now that I often wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air.  Honestly, I assumed this was related to dietary struggles I’ve been having the last 5 years or so.  I’ve gained a little weight and I thought maybe I was having some sleep apnea.  Well, I’ve cleaned up my diet fairly significantly and I’ve lost some weight over the past few months but I’m still waking up panicked.  Furthermore, my wife says that sometimes I wake up, my eyes are open, I’m in a panic, and reaching for things.  This gives me pause because I have zero recollection of these things when I wake up in the morning.  She says I do this almost every other night.  She’s been trying to get me to go to counseling for a while and I’m finally taking that step.

What could it be?  Maybe it is sleep apnea but that doesn’t make sense anymore.  I’m not an overweight guy and I’m in good physical shape.  Maybe it’s night terrors.  One of the things my older sister used to do to me when she was angry is she would sit on me or cover my face until I couldn’t breathe and was flailing trying to free myself.  Sometimes she would hogtie and gag me, then leave me on the floor in a closet.  Obviously, I’d be terrified.  I wonder if the panics I have at night are subconscious memories of those events.  How long have I been doing it?  My wife says since we started dating.  That’s over 4 years ago.  Who knows how long ago it started.  Again, she’s been suggesting counseling for a while.     

There’s something about being a male victim of a female perpetrator of abuse that I couldn’t connect with for a long time.  There’s something in me that says, “You’re a man and she was a female.  It’s not a big deal.  Get over it!  It’s history!”  This is further complicated by being a man who has done the things I’ve done:  being a Green Beret, going to combat, jumping out of airplanes, and doing an MMA fight.  For a long time I’ve struggled to connect emotionally with the 3-7 year old version of myself.  But these night time episodes combined with some other challenges that have come up, have me thinking more about my infant, toddler, and young child self.  Small and incapable of defending myself.  I see little kids all the time where I work and I’ve been imagining someone 9 years older, holding them down and holding a pillow over their face.  Hog tying them.  Sitting on their chest and stomach until they can’t expand their lungs.  Or, forcing them to perform sexual acts.  It’s terrifying to realize that my sister could have easily taken my life by accident on many occasions. 

My current theory on the night time episodes is that faint memories of abuse are buried in my subconscious and they’re starting to come up.  I also think that my experience with my sister and, to a lesser extent, with my mother is a huge reason for some of the other struggles I’ve always had.  I hate having a boss and I hate people telling me what to do.  I grew up afraid of the two main women in my life and as an adult, admittedly, I have difficulty accepting a woman in a supervisory role over me at work.  I hide it well because I recognize it’s unreasonable, but it’s there.  I’m also recognizing where I still struggle with self advocacy and holding in my real thoughts about various situations.  This pattern of muzzling myself and hiding my real thoughts is something I learned growing up with my sister and my mother.  It was exacerbated by being bullied at school.  My concern growing up was always to not upset or frustrate others because it might lead to some sort of punishment or penalty.  I’m now recognizing how normal and unconscious that self-censoring is in my communication.  

Once again I find myself at the bottom of a mountain, staring straight up, and taking in deep breaths as I prepare to climb.  It feels sudden and it’s not the mountain I was looking to climb but, nevertheless, it’s what’s in front of me.  I’ve got to deal with these issues if I want my relationships and my ability to communicate to be in a healthier place.  

I think one of the biggest challenges we face in life is taking responsibility for problems that deeply impact us, that we didn’t create.  It’s these moments where bitterness and blame can settle in so deep.  Particularly when the perpetrators of the wrong aren’t alive anymore (My sister took her own life back in 2008).  This is why personal ownership as a skill is so important.  The ability to see clearly and accurately through the fog of our legitimate emotions is predicated on our ability to recognize that we are responsible for ourselves.  No one else.  Yes, there is probably so much wrong that happens to every single one of us in this life.  In my experience, it’s the worst wrongs that we will never receive an apology or recompense for.  But I will not be a prisoner to my experiences and I will not allow you to be a prisoner to yours.    

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