A New American Dream

There’s a possibility that I may never own a house in my lifetime. Not far behind that is the possibility that I may never purchase another car in my lifetime (new or used). Aside from being married and having healthcare (through the veterans administration, not my job), The American Dream of a nice house, 2 newer model cars, 2 kids, a prestigious job w/ healthcare and retirement benefits etc. is something that I’ve never come close to having the complete version of… And I don’t give a damn about it. I’m happy with my life. I don’t really care about owning a home and cars are a necessary evil right now. Before I met my wife, I had been single for 13-14 years. I had come to a place of acceptance that I may never get married. It wasn’t my first choice but I was done being sad about it. The few months before me and my wife started dating were some of the best days of my life because I was appreciating what I already had in a much deeper way. As far as the prestigious job goes, I’ve struggled with that for quite some time but recently in much the same manner I accepted being single a few years ago, I also accepted that I may spend the rest of my working life as a Security Guard and that’s fine. My concern with my professional choices has always been fueled by an anxiety about what others will think of me and whether or not I’m using my full potential. Recently I stopped giving a damn what people think about my career choices and I decided to focus harder on principle #1 from my book: Action over Time – If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for!

Why is interest/passion important?

I’ve been writing since 2013. I published my first blog post online on July 4th of the same year. I called that site CWAMMblog (cwamm was short for ‘conversations with a madman’). I was personal training at the time and I felt like I had more to share with the world than exercise routines. I was a madman because it frustrated me to watch grown people let false social narratives dominate their lives. I saw clients struggle to reach goals in the gym because of false stories they were holding onto. With time I eventually transitioned away from fitness into personal development because I was sick of talking to people about pushups when we probably needed to be talking about how they were going to transition away from the job they hated. During all the transitions over the years I’ve had forays into various social media outlets to spread my message. Everytime I use social media I end up getting burned out and I return to my first love, which is the written word. The path to making a living as a writer isn’t clear and seems like a longshot at best, but clearly there is something that always draws me to it and it’s something that brings me joy to do. At this point, I’ve decided that no matter what it looks like, I’m a writer. I write, I read, I study other communicators and I look for nuance that I can share about how we approach this life and try to become better versions of ourselves. Paid or not, prestige or not, following or not, this process is something that I believe is incredibly valuable for me and therefore worth continuing to move forward.

My stepfather was a musician through his school years and played in a band that recorded a studio album. However, eventually he decided he needed to put that down to focus on taking care of his family. About 15 years ago I started encouraging him to just pick up his trumpet and start playing. Why? Because it was clear to me that this was something that he loved doing. Music is in his DNA and he wasn’t feeding a part of himself that fills his soul. He’s a baby boomer and I feel like the “American Dream” obsession stole a lot of things from people in his generation. The idea that you should grow up and stop playing around when you have a family is obviously reasonable but it isn’t obvious to me that anyone should believe they can’t do anything enjoyable because they have a family. He could’ve kept playing and whether he made it big or not, I don’t think he would have been mad at himself because he kept playing and learning and doing something that made him happy. What have you stopped doing purely because it doesn’t pay you or because someone told you it was time to be more mature (or maybe that was your own voice)?

Trust me when I say I’ve been there. Telling myself I’m a fool for doing something that makes me feel full and complete (Martial Arts and Writing, in particular). And doing so instead of pursuing the typical American Dream.

Being A Security Guard is My American Dream

Of course, I still have to pay bills and I’m not a whimsical kind of person. I deal in reality which is in part why I’m in touch with myself as a Martial Artist and writer. But I need time and energy to write and recover from workouts at the gym and being a part time security guard over the last 4 years has provided me with the ability to do that. It’s taken me some time to figure this out though. It’s crazy how something can be right in front of our face but we still can’t see it.

I used to do a thought experiment with people sometimes where I would ask them a question, “What if you could love and respect yourself regardless of any mistakes you have made and regardless of your present or future conditions? How would that change what you do and how you feel?” I should have spent more time asking myself this question. I have wasted so much time worrying about how I am perceived by others that for many years I couldn’t embrace the gift right in front of me. It’s safe to say that a cush office job working in tech or some other industry is never going to be what I gravitate towards. I’m very physical and it turns out that I’m an artist. Being a security guard is probably the best type of work for me. It’s physical in the sense that I am able to walk around during my shifts but it’s not so hard that I’m exhausted and unable to pursue my workouts during my off time. Also, far too often I’ve been guilty of complaining about being bored but in the right mind frame I can write whole blog posts during one 8 hour shift at any of the security jobs I’ve had over the last 4 years. Add to this that I’m frugal and could give a damn about buying more stuff or having a bunch of nice things. As Long as I have food, a bed to sleep in, and a roof over my head, I’m good. I’ve actually been known to get exhausted by shopping. More stuff and more money just doesn’t motivate me. So why did I spend so much time worrying about how people perceive me instead of becoming the best writer and martial artist I can possibly be?

To hammer this point, recently I spent a day imagining the worst things people have said to me in regards to the job I had. One incident that sticks out in my mind is when I was on my way to work one day and I stopped in at a local coffee shop I frequented. This was in Washington State when I first started as a security guard. I was in uniform and as I walked in, a police officer who I had seen and spoken to many times there saw me in uniform and, reflexively, he laughed at me. He asked, “What are you doing?!” It was a slightly dismissive tone and at the time it made me feel small. That was four years ago and as I spent time reliving that moment and others like it I said to myself, “I don’t give a shit! People are free to feel about me however they desire! It’s my job to not let negative opinions change my feelings about myself!” After a day of doing that, I felt more free than I have in a long time. It was like a found a super power called ‘not giving a fuck’. It was a beautiful moment.

It was then that I realized that security had allowed me to save for my future, easily pay my bills, and it gives me a stress free work environment that lets me pursue the activities that I find meaningful. That’s an American Dream that I can get behind.

We attach so much of our sense of self worth to what we do for money. If we’re going to identify with our jobs, that’s fine. But I would say identify based on your answer to this question: Do you have a job where you make an honest living? If the answer is yes, then who gives a damn what other people think about it. Enjoy your life!

Buddhists, Christians, and Stoics Have this in Common

Appreciation for what we have and working to not allow our focus to drift into what we don’t have…

This is arguably the main challenge of human existence. The Buddha is said to have believed that all suffering came from the desire for things we don’t have. The Ancient Greek Stoic Philosophers believed in the idea of ‘Amor Fati’ or ‘to love one’s fate (regardless of how difficult)’. The Tenth Commandment in The Old Testament of The Bible admonishes us to not covet (what we do not have). Again, appreciation for what is and pulling our focus away from what isn’t. Across time, religion, and philosophy people have had to work to remind themselves to appreciate what they have and not focus on what they don’t have. Of course, the lesson is an easy one to understand but in the era of social media combined with the still present materially based American Dream, many of us are having our joy stolen because we spend ridiculous amounts of time comparing our situations to that of others we perceive are in a better place.