Choose Your Struggle.

Lately I’ve been pondering the question of whether or not life should get better as we get older.  Back in 2012 when I still had a Facebook account I had connections with classmates from highschool and college.  Every now and then someone would post something about this time in their lives being the ‘good ole days’ or ‘the best time in their lives’.  I never shared that sentiment.  As a matter of fact, I was leaving the military in 2012 and as much as I was glad to have served my country I was also glad to have control over my life again.  I appreciate what I learned in school and the military beyond academics and job duties, but life since those times has certainly been better in my opinion.

In the almost 11 years since leaving the service I’ve been depressed at multiple points, lonely many times, frustrated with jobs, anxious about money, and anxious about whether or not I’m wasting my time writing and speaking.  But at no point have I thought to  myself, “High School and College… Those were the good ole days!”  Granted I spent almost all of my public education experience getting bullied and college was a blur of constant studying and working.  These times certainly had lots of struggle associated with them.  But as I just mentioned, so did the last 11 years.  So why do I feel like my life is getting better as I get older?  

It’s certainly not because there is less struggle but I think it’s because I choose what struggle I want to engage in.  Even with my service in the military, I chose that path.  There’s a huge joy I’ve found in knowing that the journey that I’ve been on has been the one of my choosing and my crafting.  I choose which cross I bear in life.  I’m not caught up in the norms of society and I’m not picking a road because I feel pressured by some outside force.  School was something that I hated and would have definitely opted out of if I had a choice.  I appreciate it because I developed the ability to rigorously study a subject but the totality of the experience (K-12 Public Education and College) is something that I have few fond memories of.  

It’s the classic ‘Have to’ versus ‘Want to’.  

When I was quitting the engineering world an admonishment I often received was, “Well, you’re never going to be happy all the time!”  What I didn’t realize is that up until that point I was miserable all the time.  I was too young to respond, “Yeah, but you shouldn’t be miserable all the time either!”  I do seem to enjoy life more and more as I get older but it’s not because I’m without struggle.  It’s because I choose my struggle.  

The older I get, the more I work to understand myself, the more self awareness I gain, the more authentic of a life I live.  And, that does make me happy because I pick my path and the pain associated with it.