One of the things that makes changing our lives difficult is that people in our immediate circles may express resistance to the change we’re trying to make. I often talk about the idea that we all have stories about how the world works and we have to examine our own stories in order to take ownership of our beliefs. The thing to realize is that people play characters in those stories. When we as individuals decide we want to make a change or something happens that requires us to change, we are then breaking character with the role we’ve played in another person’s story. Sometimes that’s a welcome change and sometimes it’s not.
An example of this involves a once close friend of mine. I’ve said many times before that sugar is often my drug of choice when I feel the need to self medicate because I’m frustrated with something. About 7-8 years ago, before I really got serious about writing and speaking, I had a roommate who struggled to see why I had certain dietary habits. He had a friend who would invite us both over for dinner parties. At the party I would often try to pass on sweets when they were offered. I knew that if I consumed even a little sugar (especially a home baked dessert?!!!) I would be white-knuckling my way through the rest of the party trying not to eat all the desserts from everybody else. Then when we left I would probably go to a gas station and get some junk food that I would down, on my own. I was like an alcoholic trying to hide their addiction.
I was too prideful to communicate this struggle to my roommate. In my mind I was the fitness guy who had health all figured out. Overtime, I noticed that he was feeling judged by my ‘restraint’. I was working more as a personal trainer then and lots of my initial content back then had lots to do with health and fitness. I got the sense that he thought I was some kind of perfect health nut who never made mistakes. He had a story and projected it on to me. He thinks that I think he’s weak because he eats sweets at the party (in moderation, mind you). What he doesn’t know is that I think that he will think I’m weak if I reveal that I’m an emotional eater. I don’t think all pride is bad but it can be really destructive in certain situations. This is just one of many things that eroded our relationship over time. We were each playing a character in the other’s story and were struggling when the characters changed or began to act in a way we hadn’t predicted.
Changing behavior in big ways will have social implications from time to time. Remember that as you go through conflict with those you love, over the person you want to become.
Travis Daigle 