The Body Keeps Score

When I signed up to join the military in 2007 my intentions were very much to serve my country and do a job that gave me a sense of purpose.  Those things are still valid but I try to be honest in the sense that if I wasn’t in debt at the time I don’t know if I still would have signed up.  Conversely, maybe I would have found my way to the military no matter what, because my childhood left me with lots of built up aggression.

In 2007 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was talked about primarily in relation to service members having experienced the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.  I had never heard anyone talk about PTSD as a result of difficult life experiences.  When I left highschool I struggled with outbursts of anger and would get triggered by certain social situations.  I often took friends joking around with me as if they were actually mocking me in a malicious way.  This came from spending so much time being the butt of people’s jokes and being bullied in my k-12 education.

As I went through college and got older, I recognized that I needed to be more aware of my emotions but I didn’t know how to settle those aggressive responses.  When I look back at investigating the Army and researching Special Forces as a career path, I’ve realized that the aggressive energy inside of me was looking for an exit.  It’s almost like it was destined to happen no matter what I did.  Doing office and computer work everyday was never going to work in hindsight.  It still doesn’t.  I always say that, ironically, I left the military a calmer man than when I went in.  My aversion to having a boss is probably the only reason I didn’t stay.

I wonder how many of us need a physically demanding outlet.  According to the National Council for Mental Well Being, 70 % of US adults have experienced at least one traumatic event in their lives.  For me that trauma was consistent throughout my youth:  sexual abuse as a little boy and then regular verbal abuse at school as I got older.  I wasn’t consciously looking for it, but the Military gave me a safe outlet for all the aggressive emotions I had stuffed down over the years of my childhood.  Even now, Martial Arts and exercise still play a role in helping me stay calm and relaxed.

With all the anxiety and depression in our world today, I wonder how many people would benefit from finding a physical outlet.  We spend so much time on screens and in our heads (much more than we did in 2007).  How are we displacing the frustrations of dealing with everyday life?  Or, how are we working through the frustrations of a rough past?  

I’m still working through my past in many ways.  My body still holds physical tension in my hip flexors which sometimes translates to back pain.  I’ve had that issue since I was 17 years old.  I don’t fully understand the connection but I do fully agree with the idea that The Body Keeps Score.  We see and experience painful situations and it’s like the memories become part of our cells.  Something to think about…