My parents are in their 70’s and when I’m on the phone listening to my mother articulate the challenges that they are having in their health there’s a little voice in my head that screams, “It doesn’t have to be this way!”
I’ve been trying to get my parents to prioritize their health more since I was 10 or 11 years old. My efforts have pretty much fallen on deaf ears. Too much smoking. Too much alcohol. Too much sugar. Too much stress. Not enough movement. Not enough learning. The list goes on and on. I’ve stopped trying to challenge their habits because I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s something fundamentally different about what they value and believe to be important in life.
My father (technically my step father) is quite interesting in this regard. He’s had two heart attacks resulting in two stints and a pacemaker in his chest. He’s got a litany of other health problems as well. Things that could’ve been altered had he been willing to make some adjustments in his behavior. He wasn’t, so, here we are. What I find amazing is how something like a heart attack doesn’t absolutely scare the hell out of him? I’m sure he was scared but how does it not scare him into new behavior? It’s an age-old question. I would be absolutely terrified and I would start adjusting things immediately because I don’t want to die from things that I had control over. My mother has her own issues which aren’t as urgent but, again, would scare the hell out of me.
But when I quit my $60,000/year job in Corporate America after only being there for 11 months, you would have thought I was trying to jump off a cliff with the way they reacted to my decision. In their eyes I was making the worst decision of my life and in my eyes it’s still the best decision I have ever made. A big salary and benefits was the apex priority for them. My own health and wellbeing has always been my number one priority. I’m watching what that difference in priorities has led to.
I don’t challenge them anymore in their health because I spend more time trying to think of how I’m going to assist them as they get less and less independent. Especially given my modest income and the fact that I’m a renter. I do have things that I could give them like knowledge of health and fitness but, as I’ve said, they aren’t interested in that. I also think that their current reality is actually what they have expected out of life. You hit your 60’s and 70’s and you just start falling apart physically. Hopefully you have enough money and decent enough healthcare to not be totally miserable in that process. I think that’s what they believe. Despite all my success in overcoming obesity, I think they write that off as me being young. I attribute it to me prioritizing my health, being willing to learn about my body, and refusing to accept social norms… Like the idea that aging is the slow process of losing physical independence and mental clarity until the grave swallows us whole. Even if that is true, I don’t see the point in living like it’s true.
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Travis Daigle 
Yeah I definitely agree with you on us being kids in their eyes. Learning to be at peace with their decisions is where I try to focus more of my energy now.
Thank you for your transparency as well. It’s hard to know what exactly to do but it is easier knowing that many people are navigating this same challenge right now.
I totally understand. My parents are similar. Perhaps it is the generation. My mom had two knee replacements and still won’t go outside for a walk. My dad is as active at 80 because he likes to stay busy but doesn’t stay on top of eating the right foods for his conditions. They definitely don’t listen to me when I tell them or suggest something. To them, we will always be kids in a way.
I can relate. Dad in his 80’s. Complacent. Addicted to phone screen and TV screen. I don’t understand him, and he doesn’t understand me. I am the ‘go-to’ caregiver of the family (especially when mom is out of town) as I am not married and so apparently I have the capacity and time on my hands. Honestly, I am struggling with resentment, but I want a heart of love. I am asking myself what love looks like in this situation, and even more-so, should an extreme event happen.
Thanks for your transparency. You posted at just the right time. May we each be given wisdom and discernment in how to navigate these challenging situations.
Thank you for the comment Tina and I have to admit I may not be as kind as you are about my parents health choices, lol. It still frustrates me a lot but I think I can learn to respect their decisions as you stated. Thank you for sharing as I am betting their are lots of us going through this with aging parents!
Late 50’s began Crossfit! That’s awesome! And I’m encouraged that you remember me from Snake River! That was a fun presentation! Keep getting after it! It’s an inspiration and probably touches more people than you know!
Hi Travis, Thanks so much for sharing about this part of your life. I am the primary caregiver for my mother at 25 after she had a life-changing surgery. It forced me to think profoundly about my own health, and I have experienced similar frictions when trying to encourage my mother to make changes. I know that you can relate and empathize with the struggle of witnessing parents age. I have found much comfort in respecting my mothers own decisions regarding her health. This has freed me from burdening myself in relation to the choices she makes. Thank you for this lovely reminder; through it, I feel much less alone. I admire your ability to be compassionate towards your parents’ own journeys and wish you well through the pursuit of your own goals! -T.V.
When my 1st grandchild came along, although I felt I was in decent health, I thought I need to be better. I began at 50 to play indoor soccer, in my late 50’s I began crossfit ( I met you at Snake River, in Idaho). I just finished my 9th open workout, began out door soccer 3 years ago.I feel stronger than ever and can mostly keep up with all 12 of my grands!